Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Let me get serious for just a moment........

Warning.....this post will contain items of a somewhat serious nature....the Cheeky that you all know and think is a fairly twisted individual is still here...tied up in the chair behind me...but still here.

Let me pose to you, Cheeky's dear blogger friends... a dilemma. I have had this post ready for quite some time and was just contemplating whether or not to post it. How do you know when it is time to finally just let go and wash your hands of a friendship? Just to say the hell with it and walk away? To cut your losses and move on?

I try not to get too personal on here. Many people that read this know me IRL so I don't like to give out too much. But I will try to give you the highlights. I have a once ...ok what I want to believe is a still... dear and wonderful friend who has been very close to my heart for a really long time. We have had a falling out.

Over the last several years I have treated this person much better than this person has treated me. I have been forgiving of their shortcomings. I have been forgiving when they have done things that hurt me. Just recently, this person has made a dilberate (and recognized) effort to try to make things better. We had a falling out almost 2 months ago - I can't really go into detail but I was really hurt...devastated is more like it....quite frankly there are no words. It was a few weeks after the falling out that I found out more information (from this person's own mouth so its not rumor or heresay) that, quite frankly, I can't seem to let go. This person told me once and for all how they felt about our friendship...specifically about me. It hit me really close to home. I can't say that I am all that shocked. I have an intuition about these things..... it is not often that someone can fool me. I have felt what this person finally said out right for a long time. Yes, I can be gullable but with those that are truly close to me, I have the unique ability to see through people...I know when someone is blowing smoke up my ass. Where the problem lies is my ability to accept it for what it is. I tend to see the best in people. I see the potential. I am an optimist. I see what they can be if they try. I have a hard time accepting that people can be cruel. I am not cruel. I like to think that I am more giving (yes I have a selfish side that comes out from time to time....but don't we all have the tendency to be Sybil every now and then?). I expect those I am close with to be the same way with me but more often than not I am disappointed in this expectation. Open, honest, trustworthy. I have trusted this person more than I have trusted anyone (and I mean ANY.ONE.) in my entire 34 years of being on this earth. I have told this person things that no other person on this earth has ever known. I can't say this person has been as open with me.

Since this "revelation" I have been torn with whether to try to continue this friendship or just let it go where it may. While I am not sure that it is their intent (I am almost certain that this person doesn't know the extent of what they are doing), this person continues to hurt me on a regular basis. I know things. I know things that I shouldn't know. I know things I don't want to know. I can't explain how....I just do. Its that ability that I mentioned. I can read this person like a book when they are not being up front with me. This person is playing games and I am not quite sure why. They can say one thing to me (and quite franky I almost think they believe it when they say it) while their actions scream something else.

I am not so rich in the world that I would willingly give away a friend. But if this person is truly the friend I think they are (or rather I hope they would be), why do they continue to do the things they are doing? Are they just oblivious to what is happening? I think deep down it comes down to insecurity for themselves but am I to continue to put up with it for their sake? What about me? At what point is enough... enough? At what point do you stop going the extra mile for people when they don't do it for you? I know what you are thinking....."Cheeky just tell them what you are feeling".....I have... over and over. But over time it just seems to be....well not ignored....but not necesarily held in the highest regard as far as I am concerned. What is really sad is that I am very much like this person.....very much. We are so much alike it is almost scary. I know what they are feeling....they, for whatever reason, will not have the same faith in me that I have in them.

So, the delimma is this..... do I continue to have the faith in this person that they do not show in me....as an example and in hopes that one day they will realize what is there....or do I just say enough is enough? I am leaning toward the latter but I have to admit I may not be thinking as clearly as I would like. Perhaps I am just tired. Perhaps I am being overly emotional. Perhaps I am analyzing things a little too much. Perhaps I am losing the faith in them that I once had....or maybe the respect that I had for them.

So, Cheeky's blogger friends.....what is your opinion? I know you have one....so give it up (and yes, I am talking to the lurkers out there too that visit but don't comment....tell me what you think too). Don't feel like you need to agree with me... tell me what you honestly think about this situation and if I just need to get over myself...then tell me that too.
Posted byWendy aka Cheeky :: 1:08 AM :: 15 Singing with Cheeky

Sing with Cheeky